I went to Nebraska in June to visit family and get my yearly "home" fix. I love Nebraska in June; there are fewer places more beautiful.

While mid-continent, Jay and I drove to Kansas to visit my dad and to rendezvous with his parents, who had driven up from Oklahoma. They delivered us Jay's Grandma's old car, which she'd gifted to us. It's a 1987 Oldsmobile Delta 88. We named her "Puddin' in a Cloud."


If you could drive a marshmallow, this is what it would be like.

Jay flew home, and after taking Jay to the airport, I set out in Puddin' on a cross-country drive, with Mom as my co-pilot. After a four-day drive, we arrived in San Francisco. She stayed with us for a few days before flying back home to Nebraska.

And by then, I was ready for things to get back to normal, after three weeks and about 5,000 miles of driving. But it turns out, I've had a hard time adjusting to "normal." I've felt kind of empty. Dissatisfied. A little depressed. Sometimes sad. Prone to thinking - usually, introspection.

I've been worrying that I didn't appreciate all the time I spent at home, visiting family, and driving with my mom. Not enough, I mean. The whole time I was home, there was something next. It's so easy to occupy my mind preparing for what's next at the expense of what I have at the moment. And the moment might be really special, but it's over in a flash and I've had my chance. And then I look back and all I see are the chances I've missed, the moments I should have appreciated, and I can't wish them back - I can only wish. And time spent wishing...

Is it possible to appreciate my grandma as much as she deserves to be appreciated? Or my new baby cousin?

Why did I waste my time arguing with my dad about something I don't even care about?

How do I know if I've valued my time with Jay, until I've put him on a plane and I'm alone?

When will I ever get to spend such precious time with my mother again? And why didn't it hit me until I watched her disappear through the doors of the airline terminal?

On our drive, Mom and I read each day from a book titled "Attitudes of Gratitude." It claims you gain joy from expressing and feeling gratitude for the experiences you have and the people in your life. Despite these daily reminders, the moments flew by, and there was always something next to think about, the next photograph, the next pit stop, the next exit.

But I can't spend all my time appreciating... To appreciate things in the moment, I must separate myself from the moment to examine it - and I lose a bit of the moment in the process. Some of the appreciation has to come later. And some of it will eventually become nostalgia.

I hope I at least created enough memories that I can continue, for many years, to appreciate what I had these past few weeks. I will remember the time spent with all my family for the rest of my life. And I'll try not to waste too much time wishing it back.